Love languages

A recent friend's post got me thinking about love languages again. You've probably heard of the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. As identified by him, they are: quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. I think I am primarily acts of service, and I think I've got Alex figured out - he is a good combination of words of affirmation and quality time. Each of these love languages plays a role in our relationship (who doesn't need some good physical touch? ;) ) but Alex feels most loved by time and praise, which I struggle to dole out. In daily expressions of love, he could care less about gifts, service, and physical touch. We have sort of made a pact not to buy gifts for each other on Valentine's Day and other seemingly meaningless holidays (more about that later). And he doesn't like to hold hands, hates getting his back rubbed, and often squirms out of hugs that last longer than 15 seconds. :) He also doesn't see the dishes being done or laundry folded as an expression of love. In fact, if the house was a disaster when he came home from work, but I showered him with my full attention and words of affirmation, he could care less about the state of the house.

This is hard for me because I express my love through service and I also admit that I like getting praised for it. Alex is figuring me out in some ways - he knows that if I fixed stuffed peppers for him or M&M cookies, he is really loved. I don't know what that says about the days he comes home and I haven't made dinner... I imagine he takes it personally. I think Alex is starting to figure me out in other ways. I have noticed that Alex is doing more chores around the house than when we first got married. I remember one night recently coming home from the grocery store at 11:30pm, thinking that I would still need to clean up the kitchen that was a disaster when I left. To my surprise, Alex had done the dishes and cleaned the whole kitchen. Boy did I feel loved! He was already asleep, and I realize that I forgot to give him his words of affirmation the next day. Shame on me! Thank you Alex - I have noticed the things you're doing around the house. And by the way, you're getting lots of brownie points for your work on remodeling the bathroom.

Now... on to other observations (sorry, I'm a little psycho-analytical). What I also have noticed - while we all may be primarily one love language or the other, I have found that it is the unexpected that makes a big difference, and it doesn't matter if it is the primary love language. There is power in random acts of kindness. Think about it - how much more meaningful is a gift given on a non-obligatory day? Flowers or candy on Valentine's Day or your birthday just don't mean that much when they are "supposed to be given" or you are expecting them. Whereas, if a flower or chocolate or little note show up on your pillow on a random day, that says so much more. Also, think about the power of an unexpected kiss, an invitation to take a walk together, praise that doesn't come immediately ("I really appreciated what you did last week..." or "You did so well on such and such..."). Go ahead and try it.

Now, one more thing... we usually think about the five love languages in the marriage relationship (at least I do). But now try to figure out the primary love language of your kids. I think these love languages do change some over time, as little kids appreciate gifts so much more, but you can find little differences. Nathan has always liked being really close to me, rubbing my arm, and he was my "cuddle bug" as a baby. He still likes hugs and physical touch, but he also thrives on quality time and words of affirmation. Jared likes hugs, but as a baby, he didn't want to be held. He needed some space. He also likes time and praise, as most kids do. Being under the shadow of Nathan, I'm still trying to figure out what really makes him tick. In the book I just read, "Try and Make Me!", one thing it pointed out is that constant power struggles within the relationship might be a sign of a damaged relationship. Until you have a healthy relationship in the first place, it's hard to establish authority or a desire to follow it. It said the best thing for avoiding struggles is to spend time with your child and to play with them. They then are more eager to listen to you. I might post some more about this book later. I think that's enough for now...