God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again

The bittersweet moment had arrived... time to say farewell for 2 years.  We had his "last supper" on Monday night - he requested fajitas.  Nathan taught his last Family Night lesson on Monday and we ended with prayer.  I couldn't hold it together any longer.  I tried to play the piano, but it was hard to see the notes on the page through my tears.  Savannah and Nathan sang along for a little bit and then left me to work through the process.  It's hard to describe the emotions - the joy of Nathan serving a mission, yet the start of a new season where our kids start leaving the nest.  (It's hard to even post here and re-live those moments and feelings.)  Our family dynamics as we knew for so long was about to change.  It's almost like a death, because they're not right there living and breathing with you anymore, yet they're very much alive in their own sphere of life.  I cried a lot of tears that night and into the next day trying to process my feelings.  I didn't sleep much that night, and I finally turned to writing Nathan a letter to get some thoughts out to him.  It's so hard to let him go, but I'm also so happy about what he's chosen to do for the next 2 years.

 In the morning (about 6:30am) we had our last breakfast together for a while - bacon, eggs, biscuits, and a banana cake.  Our friends brought over the cake the night before - I ended up eating most of that cake on my own the rest of the week as comfort food... Jared went to his early morning seminary class while Nathan gathered up all his things.  Nathan said his good-byes to Kai - she gives the best high fives, almost like a handshake.  Then it was time to head off to the airport at 8:00am... Jared met us there, along with some other friends to see him off.  Again, I was holding it together pretty well until the last pictures and hugs.  When I saw Jared standing there with Nathan and saw Jared holding back a few tears, I couldn't hold back my tears any longer.  Although Jared was holding it in, I could feel the emotions he must have had inside with saying "bye" to his best friend for 2 years (and possibly 4 if their missions overlap).  We got our last hugs and watched as Nathan headed up the escalator... last time I'll get to hug him for 2 years. 

I tried to pull myself together as we left the airport.  Jared dropped Alex off at work and headed to school.  I needed to get Owen to school.  He was a little late, but my eyes were too puffy to go in the office with him, so I just dropped him off.  I cried all the way home, and then when we walked in the door, I saw Nathan's old tennis shoes there on the floor, walked past his room with the still messy desk, saw his almond milk in the fridge, some remaining green apples that he loved to eat, the card game we'd played a couple nights before, and other things that reminded me of him.  It was a hard day, but I didn't have much time to wallow in my grief.  We had things to do and places to be.  The busy-ness of the days in the next weeks has helped me with the emotions of Nathan not being here.  If I don't think about it too much, I don't have to deal with the emotions!  

I think we're all managing the empty spot Nathan left pretty well, but I still have "mom moments" of grief here and there when I'm missing him.  It was hard to walk past the window to Nathan and Jared's room the first few days, because for two weeks I'd seen Nathan in that window, sitting at the desk.  Then he wasn't there.  I also missed having him walk in the door in the afternoons after the school day and just start talking about whatever he was thinking about.  I kept waiting for him to walk in the door. 

 I think Jared realizes he has a new role to fill, in being the oldest sibling in the home, the one that Owen, Weston, and Savannah are now watching more closely.  He'll also have to be the one I rely on to help drive siblings around sometimes and to chat with me more often about what's going on inside his head.  Nathan's personality was more outgoing and he just readily shared what he was thinking about - I did a lot of listening with Nathan and enjoyed that.  Jared and I are more similar in that we don't readily share what we're thinking or feeling often, so we'll have to help each other fill in the voids that Nathan left.  With Nathan and Jared being so close, I know it's more of an adjustment for Jared to process.  I keep thinking about what happened when Nathan first went to school.  Jared didn't know what to do with himself.  He just leaned over and stared at the toy bucket, not knowing what to do.  I think that's a little bit of the feeling now:  "What do I do now?" 

Go forth with faith!