Talk on mothers

As I was finding Jared's talk, I came across a talk I gave in December 2017 in our ward in England.  I wanted to share that on here too.  I don't think I ended up getting through every point in my talk (too long), but I want to document the whole thing on here. 

Preparing to be a mother and how mothers have a responsibility preparing their families for life

The internet has lots of advice on preparing to be a parent… here are some tips for those that are considering becoming a parent:

-      When the alarm goes off, get out of bed and rock a 5-pound bag of potatoes for 17 minutes. Fall back to sleep.  Repeat every two hours for the next three months.

-      Record the sound of a baby crying. Hit "play" every time you sit down to eat dinner. 

-      Invite your friend over; catch up in 10-second blocks of conversation. Barely make eye contact.

-      Stuff random items into two big bags; carry them everywhere you go.

-      Dump out every drawer in your house; pick it all up.

-      Spend two hours cooking your favorite dinner. When it's ready, throw it on the floor. Clean it up.

-          Crush a bag of goldfish and grind them into your car's back seat. Fill a sippy cup with milk and stash it under the seat; forget it's there.

-          Repeat everything you say at least five times.

-          When you go to the grocery store, borrow one or two animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.  Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. 

-          Dressing test: Obtain one large, unhappy live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

-          Find a couple who already have a small child.  Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners.  Suggest many ways they can improve.  Emphasize that they should never allow their children to run wild.  Enjoy this experience.  It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

-          Actually have a baby, and realize that all of the physical and mental prepping is meaningless without the emotional connection of motherhood—without the love that makes those sleepless nights and sacrificial days bearable, memorable, even joyful.

I have to say that the first time that I took all 5 of my kids to the grocery store, we came out with a gallon of rainbow sherbet and 3 other half gallons of ice cream… the struggle is real, but we all came out happy that time.   

It may not to be possible to prepare for the physical challenges of being a parent – it is one of the most challenging jobs you can have.  But it is also very rewarding.  What you can do to prepare is developing Christlike qualities that will help you through the challenges and keep an eternal perspective.

Most of the qualities that are required for mothers are also what mothers have a responsibility to teach their families.  We’ll talk about some of those:

-          Understanding divine role / knowing who we are

-          Love

-          Sacrifice

-          Value of work

-          Commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ

-          Being able to have and follow the guidance of the Holy Ghost

-          Perseverance and endurance

knowing who we are – children of God (taught very young “I am a child of God” – sing that to Savannah every night at bedtime)

Family Proclamation – “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose… By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

Julie Beck said, “The responsibility mothers have today has never required more vigilance. More than at any time in the history of the world, we need mothers who know. Children are being born into a world where they “wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” (Ephesians 6:12).¹ However, mothers need not fear. When mothers know who they are and who God is and have made covenants with Him, they will have great power and influence for good on their children.”      

Mothers need to know who they are, and they need to teach their children about their divine nature as well.  And when I speak about mothers, I’m speaking about all women, whether you have children or not.  We are all nurturers.

President Dieter Uchtdorf:  “You were born to shine.  Sisters, you are an essential part of our Heavenly Father’s plan for eternal happiness; you are endowed with a divine birthright.  You are real builders of nations wherever you live, because strong homes of love and peace will bring security to any nation.  What you sisters do today determine how the principles of the restored gospel can influence the nations of the world tomorrow.”

Love – if we could develop one quality for life, the most important might be charity, the pure love of Christ – the way we treat other people and the relationships that we develop are so important for success in life. 

Moroni 7:45

45 And ^acharity suffereth long, and is ^bkind, and ^cenvieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily ^dprovoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

47 But ^acharity is the pure ^blove of Christ, and it endureth ^cforever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

Love is patient, kind, thinks of others, not quick to anger. 

Charity was shown to us by a stranger one time when we were traveling.  We were eating breakfast at a hotel. Weston (3 year old) was sitting in a tall stool, because that's the only seating that was available. Alex and I didn't see it happen (but Nathan did) – we had been getting the kids all sorted with breakfast.  When we turned around Weston was on the floor, with juice spilled all over. Apparently, he had attempted to get down with the juice in hand and tumbled off. BUT the worst part was that most of the juice went on the back of the guy sitting right behind Weston! The back of his shirt was soaked. The guy was cool about it, but we were SO EMBARASSED! What can you do? We offered to pay for laundering expenses, but he brushed it off and calmly kept eating his breakfast, despite being soaked with juice.  We felt really bad, but did have a good laugh about it later. Weston came away without a drop of juice on his clothes, but the floor and the guy behind him were soaked.

I’m glad that this man was not easily provoked and expressed no anger, but only kindness towards us. 

Sacrifice

We all need to learn the principle of sacrifice as we navigate through life.  We particularly have to choose carefully how we spend our time, and that requires having an eternal perspective so that we can determine what things matter the most.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught in the April 2001 general conference about the importance of having an eternal perspective. He said: “Our priorities are most visible in how we use our time. Someone has said, ‘Three things never come back—the spent arrow, the spoken word, and the lost opportunity.’ We cannot recycle or save the time allotted to us each day. With time, we have only one opportunity for choice, and then it is gone forever… In terms of priorities for each major decision (such as education, occupation, place of residence, marriage, or childbearing), we should ask ourselves, what will be the eternal impact of this decision? Some decisions that seem desirable for mortality have unacceptable risks for eternity. In all such choices we need to have inspired priorities and apply them in ways that will bring eternal blessings to us and to our family members”.

Sometimes we sacrifice time, but sometimes we also give up worldly things, like alcohol or other things that are harmful. 

Mothers sacrifice so much – their sleep, time, and talents, career ambitions or personal hobbies - and what they do is often unnoticed, unappreciated, or undervalued. 

There are some lines attributed to Victor Hugo which read:

 “She broke the bread into two fragments and gave them to her children, who ate with eagerness.

 ‘She hath kept none for herself,’ grumbled the sergeant.

“‘Because she is not hungry,’ said a soldier.

“‘No,’ said the sergeant, ‘because she is a mother.’”

Yesterday, I was making breakfast for Owen’s birthday.  It looked like we weren’t going to have enough bacon for each of us to have 2 pieces.  Owen was really worried about that, but I told him, “Don’t worry, it will be okay.  There is a mother in the house.”  He didn’t understand what I was saying, but moms will understand.  Mothers are accustomed to sacrifice. 

Elder Holland gave a talk on mothers – said, “In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife—or both—may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband’s breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent…”

Goes on to say, “But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life.”

“Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones.”

I think we often get down on ourselves and feel like we’re not measuring up.  But we just have to do the best we can.  I always laugh at something that Nathan said to me when he was younger, which is basically the way I often feel about how I’m doing as a mother.  I had done my best to build a train track for Nathan.  Usually Dad was the one who did that, because he was really good at putting a train track together.  Well, one night, it was me that tried to put together a train track.  After I got done, Nathan said to me, “Mom, you’re ALMOST good at that!”

He was genuinely trying to compliment me, but I still remember what he said.  You’re ALMOST good at that.  Do you feel that way sometimes?  Fortunately our efforts are magnified in the Lord’s work. 

Elder Holland says, “You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you.  Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.  Remember, remember all the days of your motherhood: “Ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.”¹⁰

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.”¹¹ You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well.”

Work – learning to work and understanding the true reason why we work

Hurricane Harvey flooded about 200,000 homes earlier this year in Houston.  That meant that a lot of work needed to be done.  One of the amazing things was how so many volunteers and the community pulled together and helped in the massive clean up. I read about a story on FaceBook – great lesson about work:

“Matt reminded me of a very important lesson when he came back from mucking houses Sunday… “It isn’t about the weeds.”    What do I mean? Let me explain…

This hurricane has devastated so much, but has also showed that the Savior and Father above are very aware of each one of us and have never left us alone to fend for ourselves.

Matt was mucking a home this past Sunday that had a big painted X on it. It looked as if the city may have to deem it unsalvageable. Matt said the home-owner pleaded with him and the other volunteers to please try to save his home by removing all the dry wall and belongings. Matt said they explained to this man that there really was no point in mucking out his home because the city would probably have to demolish it but the man begged them to please try to save it because it was all he had and he would not be able to afford to rebuild. Matt said as he listened to this man the thought came to him… “It isn’t about the weeds.”

This comes from the following story President Eyring shared about his Father who was suffering from bone cancer when he was invited to work on the stake farm. His job was to pull weeds from the onion field. His pain was so intense that he couldn't kneel; he pulled himself on his elbows. The other workers said that he kept a smile and laughed all day. After he had spent the entire day pulling weeds, someone noticed that his father had pulled the wrong weeds.

Quoting Eyring…

Now, this is the joke Dad told me on himself, afterward. He said he was there at the end of the day. After all the work was finished and the onions were all weeded, someone asked him, “Henry, good heavens! You didn’t pull those weeds, did you? Those weeds were sprayed two days ago, and they were going to die anyway.”

Dad just roared. He thought that was the funniest thing. He thought it was a great joke on himself. He had worked through the day in the wrong weeds. They had been sprayed and would have died anyway.

When Dad told me this story, I knew how tough it was. So I said to him, “Dad, how could you make a joke out of that? How could you take it so pleasantly?”

He said something to me that I will never forget, and I hope you won’t. He said, “Hal, I wasn’t there for the weeds.”

Now, you’ll be in an onion patch much of your life. So will I. It will be hard to see the powers of heaven magnifying us or our efforts. It may even be hard to see our work being of any value at all. And sometimes our work won’t go well.

But you didn’t come for the weeds. You came for the Savior. And if you pray, and if you choose to be clean, and if you choose to follow God’s servants, you will be able to work and wait long enough to bring down the powers of heaven.

-President Eyring

Matt said he then continued to muck out this house because he kept thinking of that story that reminded him that he wasn't there for the work, he was there to calm a man who had lost everything, a man who in that moment only cared about trying to save what little he had left. Does it matter if all these volunteers spent pointless hours mucking out a home that may later be demolished? No, because they weren’t there for the weeds…they were there for the Savior.

In our daily life it may be hard to see our work (whatever work that may be) being of any value…whether that is making 100 pb&j sandwiches for Hurricane Harvey Volunteers, or making the 100th pb&j sandwich for a toddler who will only take two bites before declaring he’s full…we didn’t come here for the weeds…we came here for the Savior.”

Commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ

I did a FaceBook post a couple years ago, asking what biggest regret and biggest successes were as parents – got these responses from friends:

(Summarized)  Consistency. Communication. Less sports. More family time. Family Home Evening. Scriptures. Gospel teaching. More service. Not spoiling their kids. Less TV. More praise. Less criticism. Teach independence, to work. Teach them who they are. Express love often.

What seemed to be a common thread was how they spent their time and how they treated one another, which is outlined in the Family Proclamation:  “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

As I was reflecting on my youth, that was also key to our success. 

We went to church together every Sunday. We participated in every activity we could there - youth activities, seminary (early morning scripture study), service projects, firesides, etc. We went running in the morning with my dad. We supported each other in all our sports (which we learned discipline, hard work, teamwork, and leadership). We didn't date until 16. Kept the word of wisdom (no smoking, no alcohol).  I never saw my parents fight. I don't remember getting yelled at either. My parents and I trusted each other - they gave me freedom with rules, but I didn't break their trust. We did family nights - not really consistent, but pretty often. We had several spiritual times together - whether for father's blessings, singing, sharing testimonies, or gospel knowledge. I think that was one of the biggest successes - those bonding moments where we felt love and unity.

With my family now, we have tried to establish a morning routine of reading scriptures, praying, and doing a family cheer.  I’ll spare you the actual cheer, but we have been adding things to it every year.  And they are things that I hope the kids will remember: says, “Be positive, be prayerful, be punctual, obey, obey, obey, pray, go serve with heart, might, and mind. We’re calm and forgiving, loving, and kind. Oh, remember, remember the source of our blessings each day.”

  In our commitment to the gospel, it’s important that we keep our covenants.  Julie Beck – “Mothers who know honor   

  sacred ordinances and covenants… These mothers know they are going to sacrament meeting, where covenants are   

  renewed. These mothers have made and honor temple covenants. They know that if they are not pointing their  

  children to the temple, they are not pointing them toward desired eternal goals. These mothers have influence and  

  power.”

I have a testimony of the temple, and Alex and I made a commitment to go once a month – done that ever since we got married, 17 years ago.  The kids have travelled to the temple with us several times.  When they were very young, we took them all with us and traded off watching the kids and doing temple work. 

Holy Ghost

Learning to recognize and have the Holy Ghost to guide us

Elder Rasband -“My message today focuses on the importance of the Holy Ghost in our lives. Our Father in Heaven knew that in mortality we would face challenges, tribulation, and turmoil; He knew we would wrestle with questions, disappointments, temptations, and weaknesses. To give us mortal strength and divine guidance, He provided the Holy Spirit, another name for the Holy Ghost.

The Holy Ghost binds us to the Lord. By divine assignment, He inspires, testifies, teaches, and prompts us to walk in the light of the Lord. We have the sacred responsibility to learn to recognize His influence in our lives and respond. 

This will be key to our spiritual preparation and success in life. 

Perseverance

If life was easy, it would be an easier task to prepare our families for life, but life is full of trials.  We must prepare our families spiritually, so that when hard times come, we can make it through.  Our test is one of endurance and the ability to stick with it and keep getting back up when we fall.  President Eyring: “…the great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God’s commands in the midst of the storms of life. It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage.”

Some things we face in life that require spiritual preparation:

·         Natural disasters (floods, earthquakes, fires)

·         Chronic illness or disability

·         Rejection

·         Failure

·         Pride and worldliness

·         Others bad choices

·         Our own bad choices

Interesting on the idea of preparation - in the Book of Mormon, in Alma we read about all the wars going on. If they weren’t in battle, then they were making preparations for it.  They were fortifying their cities and protecting them against the enemy. We have to do the same thing in life / prepare for the battles that will surely come. Not a matter of “if they come”, but a matter of “when”.  We have to fortify our homes against the bad things of the world. 

Poem:  THE RACE   By Dr. D.H. (Dee) Groberg

“Quit! Give Up! You’re beaten!”  They shout at me and plead.  “There’s just too much against you now.
This time you can’t succeed.”

And as I start to hang my head In front of failure’s face, My downward fall is broken by The memory of a race.

And hope refills my weakened will As I recall that scene; For just the thought of that short race Rejuvenates my being.

II   A children’s race–young boys, young men– How I remember well. Excitement, sure! But also fear; It wasn’t hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope Each thought to win that race. Or tie for first, or if not that, At least take second place.

And fathers watched from off the side Each cheering for his son. And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they went Young hearts and hopes afire.  To win and be the hero there Was each young boy’s desire.

And one boy in particular Whose dad was in the crowd Was running near the lead and thought: “My dad will be so proud!”

But as they speeded down the field Across a shallow dip, The little boy who thought to win Lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself His hands flew out to brace, And mid the laughter of the crowd He fell flat on his face.

So down he fell and with him hope –He couldn’t win it now– Embarrassed, sad, he only wished
To disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up And showed his anxious face, Which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win the race.”

He quickly rose, no damage done, –Behind a bit, that’s all–And ran with all his mind and might To make up for his fall.

So anxious to restore himself –To catch up and to win– His mind went faster than his legs: He slipped and fell again!

He wished then he had quit before With only one disgrace. “I’m hopeless as a runner now; I shouldn’t try to race.”

But in the laughing crowd he searched And found his father’s face; That steady look which said again:
“Get up and win the race!”

So up he jumped to try again –Ten yards behind the last– “If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to move real fast.”

Exerting everything he had He regained eight or ten, But trying so hard to catch the lead He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! He lied there silently –A tear dropped from his eye– “There’s no sense running anymore; Three strikes: I’m out! Why try!”

The will to rise had disappeared; All hope had fled away; So far behind, so error prone; A loser all the way.

“I’ve lost, so what’s the use,” he thought “I’ll live with my disgrace.” But then he thought about his dad
Who soon he’d have to face.

“Get up,” an echo sounded low. “Get up and take your place; You were not meant for failure here.
Get up and win the race.”

“With borrowed will get up,” it said, “You haven’t lost at all. For winning is no more than this:
To rise each time you fall.”

So up he rose to run once more, And with a new commit He resolved that win or lose At least he wouldn’t quit.

So far behind the others now, –The most he’d ever been– Still he gave it all he had And ran as though to win.

Three times he’d fallen, stumbling; Three times he rose again; Too far behind to hope to win He still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner As he crossed the line first place. Head high, and proud, and happy;
No falling, no disgrace.

But when the fallen youngster Crossed the line last place, The crowd gave him the greater cheer,
For finishing the race.

And even though he came in last With head bowed low, unproud, You would have thought he’d won the race
To listen to the crowd.

And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do too well.” “To me, you won,” his father said.
“You rose each time you fell.”

III   And now when things seem dark and hard And difficult to face, The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race, With ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win, Is rise each time you fall.

“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says:
“GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!”

We know that the voice inside that keeps telling us to get up and keep going is the gift of the Holy Ghost.  And it’s the thought of our loving Father in Heaven, who we will someday return to, that we know is cheering us on.  We weren’t meant for failure, but life won’t be easy either.  We have to persevere and endure through all of the ups and downs of life.  We have loving parents and families to help us along the way.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ allows us to repent of our sins, to rise when we fall.